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Leave the bum … take the cannoli

Love lessons, Mafia-princess style:

“Leave the bum … take the cannoli.”

If you’ve fallen in with a loser (he’s addicted to television, never has any cash, doesn’t like to work), don’t hire your local goodfella to take him for a one-way walk. Just drop the bum like yesterday’s (bad) news and leave him on the couch where you found him.

Oh, and take the cannoli. You probably paid for it.

“You don’t want him coming into the bedroom with just his good personality, right?”

When Michael came out of the bathroom to shoot the man who tried to kill his father, he’s carrying a gun. While that’s not exactly the kind of protection you want your new boyfriend carrying, let’s put it this way: if your guy doesn’t want to put a cap on it, put a cap in the relationship.

“Keep good boyfriends close … scare the bad ones far, far away.”

The Dons were notorious for playing nice to the very person they were trying to get rid of. They followed the Godfather’s golden rule: Never show anyone what you’re thinking. If Sonny had followed this advice, he might have avoided that deadly rat-a-tat at the toll booth.

So if you’re trying to unload that Peter-Pan with the bad temper, remember –breaking up suddenly can be hazardous to your health. Put a twist on the old-style Mafioso whack and kill him with kindness instead.

Telling him you’re wildly in love with him should scare him off. But some mama’s boys are hard to shake; you might have to appeal to his over-the-top ego by telling him you’re just not good enough for him, he deserves better, yada, yada, yada.

You may have to swallow your own ego a bit, and you’ll be amazed he’s buying any of it, but this strategy gets results with minimal emotional blowback and not a bullet in sight.

“Never hate your ex – it affects your sunny disposition.”

Remember: whoever hates the least, wins.

“Make him an offer where you can’t lose.”

If a guy doesn’t treat you well – really well — make him an offer where you can’t lose: Say, “Listen, Jack, treat me the right way or hit the highway.”

No crying. No negotiation. No horse heads in a bed. You’ll either be with a guy who knows how to treat a woman or you’ll be without a guy who doesn’t. Either way you win.

“Only go to the mattresses if he’s mattress-worthy.”

Mobsters only “go to the mattresses” when there’s something really worth risking their lives for. So be smart: don’t get in bed with any man until you find out if he’s truly mattress-worthy.

“If he sleeps with other fishes, cut bait.”

‘Nuff said.

“Don’t ever take sides against yourself.”

We all know what happened to Fredo when he took sides against the family. Same thing applies to you. No man is worth having if he speaks or acts in ways that hurt you. I’m not saying you should take a contract out on every bozo who tries to bully you, but I am saying this:

If you take sides against yourself, you’ll find yourself stuck in the middle of a deep and desolate lake and no amount of Hail Mary’s will get you back on solid ground.

So don’t ever take sides against yourself. If anyone tries to kick you around, kick ‘em to the curb … “It’s the smart move.”

Posted on June 26th, 2007Comments RSS Feed
8 Responses to Leave the bum … take the cannoli
  1. Well that takes care of Perkins so……….

  2. Sorry Captain you tried, but saying “HOT” all the time does not get you any brownie points:-)

  3. Yo Ernie,

  4. Yo Ernie,
    First you did not get meat all…. but I will say this to you..I am now considering Barr for my vote so convince me about your boy who I would have voted for 100% if he picked Romney..I know….. here we go again but let’s have it…..Hope the scotch is going down smoothly!Mickey

  5. That is space between me and at..yikes…..

  6. John W. Perkins
    October 26, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Well Steve, you seem to be having a fine dialogue with yourself..

    “Well that takes care of Perkins so……….” Remember, “It ain’t over ’till the fat lady sings.”.

  7. I can’t disagree at all with you John :-)You are right I hear no singing and don’t see a fat lady!

  8. Oh take her sailing for goodness sakes and have cannolis on board.You can be sure as your first mate I will hold the camera , although I may be shaking a bit but steady as she goes:-)

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