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Love between the raindrops

If you have no idea who you are anymore, try to recall a time when you did. When you knew who you were undeniably. When you moved with a sureness that came from presenting yourself in the truest way — whether people liked you or not, whether someone hired you or not, whether you could avoid an argument or not.

The you you were when belly-laughing was something that happened often. When seeing someone you cared about made you feel excited rather than obligated. When just being outside in the sun or in a coffee shop reading left you with the undeniable buzz of being alive.

A time when you thought and felt, hell, you knew, the whole world was at your feet. Your whole life was in front of you, figuratively or literally.

The first lesson I received — and then promptly ignored — in how not to live my life, how not to be who I was, came when I was dating my future husband. We’d been out to dinner at the Chart House in Boston. When we left, it was raining. I grabbed his hand and tried to pull him a few feet away from the restaurant door toward the edge of the wharf that looked across the water to Logan Airport.

I wanted to dance with him in the rain. I wanted to turn my head up to the night sky and feel the drops falling from the heavens. I wanted to shake my limbs and act goofy and maybe take a waltzy/schmaltzy turn around the brick area that looked like a dance floor to my eyes. I wanted to laugh and have him kiss me in the pouring rain. I wanted to press my body next to his. I wanted to get soaked to the skin and shiver all the way home and then warm our bodies the best way two humans can.

He wouldn’t come with me.

I hesitated for a moment, let go of his hand, and then went to the water’s edge by myself. I stood just for a moment, in the rain, and stared at Logan, stared down into the water. I didn’t dance. After a moment, I heard him call, “Let’s go.” I turned and walked back to him; we caught a cab, I think, and went home.

I knew then, really, in my heart, that I was putting a piece of myself by the wayside. A vital part of me. The part that will be 70 and still want to dance in the rain. Even if I catch my death of cold and die as a result. And there are some people who never want to dance in the rain. Nothing wrong with either approach to life.

But you have to know who you are and not let the person that you are fall or get pushed to the wayside. My husband didn’t push my rain-dancing self to the side — I did. And it was the first in a long line of mistakes I would make in my desire to create and sustain a relationship with him.

I still am struggling with this whole concept — the concept of being wild at heart and and yet still creating a life that offers more than just eking out a living, taking photos of three cats, and spending holidays alone.

Is it possible to be married and still maintain that wildness? Is it possible to find a partner who will not be bothered by my desire to traipse off to Italy alone? Is it possible to have a relationship in which love and sex and passion and romance and being your own, independent person, does not get sucked into the desert of familial obligations, trash that needs to be taken out, questions about what we’ll have for dinner, what television show to watch, and arguments about what time to go to bed and who’s going to pay what bill?

Is it possible to be in love and not let that romantic, goofy part of you that dances crazily in the rain be sacrificed to your partner’s practical — and quite sane — desire in wanting to get home dry and without the sniffles?

Posted on August 30th, 2010Comments RSS Feed
9 Responses to Love between the raindrops
  1. Great job, MC! Will be interesting to see what some of the fellows say in response. An art student, an Aquarian, a free spirit, I agree 100% with you. My guess is most men won’t play vulnerable and get wet.

  2. This fellow is probably one of the few that will do anything crazy with his wonderful wife and not think twice about it.Yes Karen and MC there are a few guys that don’t think twice about being free spirits or whatever with their wives or girlfriends and not think twice about anything that we do.The classwit inside of me will never grow up.Keep searching MC there are a few gems out there that you describe when you least expect it!

  3. I think the answer to all your questions is “Yes it is possible and it is really in your control” I would suggest a path that few take–to look inward as a first step. And then maybe realize that any moment is as good as it gets and understand that grace is not getting what you think you want but wanting what you already have and accepting what is in every moment. From that place of balance and calm and joy, then you can perhaps dance and play and follow your spirt without regret or worry. And be fully open and accepting to whether your partner joins you in that moment or not. Maybe he will join later.

  4. Thanks Adam — that heartens me to hear that.

  5. Gary, you always make so much sense. I truly appreciate what you wrote and suggested and will take it into practice as best I can. Thanks for reading and contributing to the dialog. MC

  6. Hey MC, Adam just says yes and he gets a “That truly heartens me to hear that and Gary gets his props and me??I pour my heart out and get nada?That’s okay I just got in from running nude on Siesta Key beach playing You’ll never walk alone” on my sitar so there you go.Ooopps forgot my wife.
    On a serious note MC ,Gary is right it is in your control and carpe diem.Keep geting wet and and ditch the drips who don’t follow suit.

  7. oh, i love the part about the sitar, steve. you KNOW i ‘preciate you … big time!

  8. I know MC I can’t help myself I am from NJ:-)


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