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A tigger, not a tiger

“Bouncing is what Tiggers do best.” (A.A. Milne)

Ah, and Tiger Woods is bouncing right now. Bouncing in a slightly different way from when he bounced from his mistress(es?) bed to wife’s, but bouncing nevertheless.

Bouncing is what tiggers do — that’s all they know how to do. Because a real tiger knows when he’s got steak at home versus hamburger from the fast food joint down the street (a la Paul Newman) and apparently Tiger Woods is really just a Tigger after all — all bounce and no bite.

But he's still awfully cute huh?  And I hear he's loaded!

But he's still awfully cute huh? And I hear he's loaded!

Because, ergo, it takes bite, not to mention balls, to not f*ck around. That’s the easiest trick in the world, cheating. C’mon, it’s so passe as to be, um, passe. Show me a man who can keep it in his pants — not because he has to, but because he wants to — and I’ll show you a real tiger in bed. Non-cheaters, and yes, I think I’ve known at least one in my life, are better in bed because they know how to partner for the long haul, not for the tigger-conundrum of “Oh, I like everything I see and everything I taste!”

That’s what happens when you have no character. Everything looks good when you haven’t an ounce of discrimination in your bones. You go from tiger to tigger in the folding back of the bedsheets.

You bounce, and you tippety-toe through likes and dislikes and fancies and non-fancies, and the wives you wed but no longer want to bed and the women you wouldn’t consider marrying but don’t mind bedding.

But let me say this: I could give a rat’s arse about Tigger’s alleged infidelities. It’s all in a nation’s work, that, and we’re a nation of cheaters — whether actual fornication occurs or not, very few are loyal — to our wives, to our jobs, to our collective “values”, to the people who elect us to high office, to our communities, to say nothing of our disloyalty to our own selves. Day in and day out. We deceive ourselves into believing something about ourselves that our actions say, blaringly loud, is categorically untrue.

Here’s the only person I feel sorry for in this case: The Woods baby. That kid will grow up thinking “Sheesh, my Dad couldn’t even wait for me to be out of the womb before he hit it with someone not my mother.” Well, he or she will have plenty of money for therapy visits, at least.

And a word of advice to Tigger’s wife, though I know she won’t take it: Leave him, sweetie. Leave him and never look back and don’t take a dime. Take the kid and work at Mickey D’s if you have to. The schmuck’s not worth the two seconds it would take to cash his check.

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Posted on December 2nd, 2009Comments RSS Feed
15 Responses to A tigger, not a tiger
  1. Well said as always!

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  2. thanks for reading and commenting, maureen!

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  3. He has two kids MC a boy and a girl.All his sponsors have decided not to drop him and life goes on.I am not surprised one bit that these famous folks..both male and female cheat their asses off without any regard to family and what the consequences will be.Just know there are a more loyal males and females,out there, that are devoted to their girlfriends/wives or boyfriends/husbands that cheating is just not in their thinking.Also you should never get credit that you didn’t cheat..that is very comical to me.
    I agree with your column that his wife should leave but I bet not.She will forgive him and life goes on.Just look at the biggest scandal in years..Hillary never left Bill and look at that wonderful couple now.Puke………..Now he makes Tiger look like a pussycat!

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  4. Thanks for the comment, Steve.

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  5. I still assume that most people don’t cheat on their significant others. Maybe that is simply because I am the type that wouldn’t? I know its definitely NOT because I have much faith in humankind!

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  6. And I assume that most do. Let’s hope you’re right and I’m wrong!

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  7. There is absolutely nothing sexier than a man with integrity.

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  8. MC, I had a brainstorm! I guess I’m thinking about women and you may be thinking about men. Seen any stats on the gender difference in infidelity?

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  9. I think I’ve read more than one place that men and women generally cheat in equal numbers. But based on my own experience/knowledge of people, I’d say slightly more women cheat than men. I supposed it could be that they’re more willing to admit it to me, another woman, but I don’t know. I know/have known, a lot of women who cheat to get out of an unhappy relationship. The men I know who’ve cheated, by and large, I’d say it was sexual boredom with their full-time partner, lack of sex with their full-time partner, and sometimes just because they could.
    But really, who knows.

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  10. The stats and research say more than half the men and woman cheat.Also most do it out of emotional needs rather than sexual needs.Men have a slight edge in cheating because they go to prostitutes .Again no one should get credit for being faithful as that is your duty when you take your vows.

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  11. “I’m not perfect,” Tiger whines.

    Who thought he was? I mean really? I doubt his wife was looking for perfect.

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  12. Yeah, I think she was just looking for decent.

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  13. Yeah…. decent money:-)

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  14. Those of you who has not sinned/cheated, write the next comment in Mary’s Blog.
    Point made! Everyone of you has cheated at least one time or more.

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  15. Also, I don’t whine that I’m not perfect. I’m sure everyone knows that.

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