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New changes to “Abortion Bill” unfair to men say outraged House Repubs

As most of you know, Governor Crist received some amendments along with the health care bill he received on June 7th. The amendments have people referring to the bill as the “Abortion Bill” and essentially would require that women who want an abortion during their first trimester of pregnancy be required to pay for, have, and look at — or hear a real-time description of –a live ultrasound image of the embryo or fetus inside her womb, before having an abortion.

But what hasn’t been reported in most mainstream media is that an amendment to those amendments was received late last night in the Guv’s office. Thus this breaking (balls) news:

The revised amendments, require — essentially — that all men — seconds before they put their penis inside any women’s vagina (doesn’t count if it’s a man they’re schtupping or if it’s oral sex, for um, obvious reasons you should have learned about in grade school) be required to view pictures of used baby diapers, as well as happy smiling babies, listen to soundtracks of screaming, as well as cooing, babies, and sign a contract stating that they will a) pay for the pregnancy tests if the women freaks out because her period is late while offering calm reassurance that it will most assuredly be negative because he was, um “really careful”; b) pay for the ultrasound if the woman they’re knocking boots with gets knocked up; c) pay for the abortion if there is one; and d) pay 50% of all costs incurred in bearing, birthing, taking sick days or maternity leave not paid for by employers (because most of them don’t anymore), as well as pay for child care for working mothers, and half of all costs of raising the kid up through and including four years of college.

Sources in Tallahassee (I drove up there when I heard of this new development so I could get a first-hand report on the situation) told me that the bill is now being referred to as the Stop Look Listen & Sign Before You Fornicate Bill, though others, for simplicity’s sake, are just calling it the Pre-Sex Bill.

Over coffee this morning, most experts around the capitol were saying there’s little chance that Crist will oppose the bill now that it carries this new, clarifying language — since everyone knows men already desperately desire to be more fully informed in the moments just before they get their rocks off and have been searching for years for ways in which they could more wholly participate, emotionally and financially, in every precious post-coital moment that follows — from the seconds-later “Baby, you were great” whispers to the weeks later “Crap, my period’s late” screams.

In an unexpected and somewhat odd turn of events, John Edwards reportedly has already called Crist, urging the Florida governor to ink his approval on the new bill good and fast, saying “I wish this kind of legislation had been in effect when I was running for President — it would have been a game-changer!”

House Republicans held a press conference this morning stating their unified objection to the revised bill saying it “just isn’t fair!” Many said that such stringent requirements would unnecessarily cause men to have to make informed decisions before “dipping their swords” (I’m quoting here) and, as one House Republican said, “What good would that do any of us?”

Others pointed out that the Think Before You Sink bill (as some of the randier Republicans were calling it) would be unconscionably emotionally unfair to men, not to mention potentially create a severe financial hardship for them in both short and long term.

One Republican lawmaker speaking only on the condition of anonymity because as he said, “I wouldn’t want people to think I could have this problem,” pointed out that forcing men to see pictures of babies, even happy ones, “or God forbid, dirty diapers”, could also have the emotionally devastating effect of causing men to “lose their woodies” at the very moments when they need them most.

Crist has until June 22 to weigh the pros and cons of all the amendments included in the health care bill and in a leaked memo he indicated that he plans to give the issue his full attention in between his appointments at the tanning salon.

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Posted on June 8th, 2010Comments RSS Feed
10 Responses to New changes to “Abortion Bill” unfair to men say outraged House Repubs
  1. Readers of this blog often write to me directly rather than posting a blog comment. That’s cool, but this one struck me as so funny I wrote the individual back and asked for permission to share it here in a blog comment posting … so here you go:

    In a report this afternoon from Tallahassee, Crist wants an addition to the legislation.

    All men who voted for the bill will be required to have a small remote-controlled valve surgically implanted in their penises. Every woman in the state will be issued a key-chain remote control that can open or close the valve with the push of a button. The open position will be designated by ”L&L,” for “Locked and Loaded.” The closed position will be designated as “SB,” for “Shooting Blanks”

    A new valve model is being developed that will add a small, remotely activated explosive charge that will assure penile separation from the owner/operator. The activation button will be designated as “Terminate” and the model will be available for the next legislative session.

    Reply
  2. Mary, you think that perhaps maybe once, just once, an elected official – (sure, try and find one that hasn’t been bought and paid for, already), will begin to make a conscious decision rather than think with his…..penis?! Perhaps, this is why the women are really taking the lead in the primaries. I’ve always said this, take a look what every male president has left us with from day one. I’d much rather have a femae in office any day. Sure, this may sound like double standard talk, but as I said, look at what’s happened to this country under the leadership of “males”.

    Say MC, I’m certainly more than glad to see you back. Sarasota certainly needs ya, more ways than you’ll ever know.

    You’re supporter, Daniel

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  3. See, why I don’t date just any woman ? Most are only after money and revenge.

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  4. Thanks for reading and commenting Daniel and JW!

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  5. Love it!!

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  6. Thanks for reading J. — and for commenting … glad you liked it!

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  7. That’s the writing I love!!!!!
    Just what we expect from the blogger of the year!!!!!

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  8. Dear Laughing My Ass Off (I’m right, aren’t I?) —

    Thank you so much for your funny moniker and very nice shout out.

    MC

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  9. Hi Mary Catherine,

    So, is this an updated “Modest Proposal”? The orginal author would be proud of you, I am sure. How about a similar missive regarding the events a mile beneath the ocean? (A good bloggers work is never done, huh?)

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  10. Well, it’s mind-blowing that someone would ever compare my writing, however remotely, to A Modest Proposal. Thank you Howard G. Yes, I need to write about the ocean and what we’ve done to it, but my heart is so destroyed by what’s happening, that my mind can’t quite find the words. I’ll try … because you’re right … none of us can afford to be silent on this travesty. Thanks for reading and commenting, Howard.

    MC

    Reply

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